In loving memory of Ann Eskayo, ZH"L

  Nov 20, 1940 – Feb 19, 2011

Funeral (Feb 22, 2011) of Ann Eskayo   

Ann’s family thanks all of you for coming today, to honor Ann.

I have selected a few Psalms relevant to Ann’s life and interests:

(Ps 78) Give ear, O my people, to my teaching;    (Ann was a life-long teacher)

Incline your ears to the words of my mouth.

We will not keep the truth a secret from their children,

telling to the coming generation the praises of the Lord,

and His strength, and His wondrous works that He has done.

Psalm 149 is not a typical Psalm for a funeral, but it mentions dance:

(Ps 149) Sing unto the Lord a new song, and His praise in the assembly of the saints.

Let Israel rejoice in his Maker; let the children of Zion be joyful in their King.

Let them praise His name in the dance;

let them sing praises unto Him with the timbrel and harp.

For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He adorns the humble with salvation.

This too refers to dance:

(Ps 30) … O Lord my God, I cried unto Thee, and Thou did heal me;

O Lord, Thou brought up my soul from the nether-world;

Sing praise unto the Lord, O His godly ones, and give thanks to His holy name.  ....

Hear, O Lord, and be gracious unto me; Lord, be my helper.

Thou did turn for me my mourning into dancing;

Thou did loosen my sackcloth, and gird me with gladness;

So that my glory may sing praise to Thee, and not be silent;

O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto Thee for ever.

We all pray that God has healed Ann, brought her soul from this nether world,

and will turn all our mourning into dancing.

Those of you who would like to, join me in reciting Psalm 23:

(Ps 23) The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;

He guides me in straight paths for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

Thou has anointed my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

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For the following, I thank the generosity of Irit, Michal and Megan

Ann Helene Weinstein was born in 1940 to Bert (Bertha) and Murray Weinstein.  Bert and Murray were born in NYC and both had older siblings born in Romania, and Belarus [Pinsk], respectively.  Ann had a younger brother, Gill who was born in 1947.  She loved her brother very much. 

Ann's  daughters credit Gill, for saving them from country music.  He brought them Beatles albums and would test them in “name that tune” from the first chord of the songs.  They also credit him for inspiring them to record TV theme songs.

School

Ann received a BA in Biology from Queens College and a Master’s Equivalent in teaching Biology. 

She liked to brag that Paul Simon was in her music class at Queens College.  (So instead of Simon and Garfunkel, it could have been Simon and Weinstein?)

Career

After she graduated, Ann taught junior-high Science in the New York Public School System.

She retired in 1994.

Hobbies

•Reading

•Horseback riding – they went to a dude ranch or two when we were young and all had major accidents                 with horses

•Dancing

•Collecting Native American art

•She loved old movies

•Exercising and fitness

Dancing

As a young woman, Ann waited tables at the Gaslight Café on West 4th Street where many poetry readings were held.  But most of all, Ann loved dancing.  As a young woman in New York when the temperatures would drop below freezing and her parents told her to stay inside, she would get in the car to go dancing.  Her first love was international dancing.  She went there with her friend Fern. 

Then she discovered Israeli dancing at the 92nd Street Y (of course) where she met Moshe in 1961.  Their first dance was Es Vakeves, and that's how the romance started.  They were married in 1963.  Ann and Moshe had two daughters: Irit was born in 1965 and Michal was born in 1968.

After a while, Moshe started hosting International camps, so Ann got back into that.  One day at a dance camp she looked out on the dance floor from the balcony and saw Scottish dancing.  She fell in love with that too and attended 37 Scottish Balls.  She loved the specific choreography.  At International Camp, Ann would have a selection of shoes and change her shoes for each type of dancing.  (I remember her red boots, dancing Reiach Tapuach.)  Next, Ann got into Country & Western, but Moshe wouldn’t allow it in the house so she had to play her new favorite music in the car on the way to NJ for dancing and concerts.  Then there was clogging and finally contra dancing.  (Randi and I introduced her to NEFFA, a primarily contra festival in Boston, and for 3 days she had permanent grin on her face.)  She continued doing contra as long as she was able. 

Travel

Between her junior and senior years of college, Ann bought a one-way ticket on a boat to Israel where she stayed for ten weeks.  She toured the country and worked on Kibbutzim.  She told her parents that if they wanted her to come back, they would need to send her money to buy a plane ticket.  They did.  When she retired, Ann packed her things and Michal drove her across the country to relocate in Arizona.  Ann drove 2 hours and Michal drove the rest.  When she moved to the Southwest she began exploring the region on her own and on occasional tours.  Ann liked to grab the map, get in the car and go exploring.  When asked what she thought when she first saw the Southwestern landscape, she said it was “mindboggling”.

It’s no wonder that her daughters and now her grandson have an adventurous spirit and have traveled to many parts of the world, including Western and Eastern Europe, Thailand, China, Central and South America.  When Michal was studying abroad in Paris during her junior year of college, Ann popped over for a few days and called in “sick” from a payphone in a café.  Throughout her life, Ann made regular trips to Israel to visit her oldest daughter Irit and Irit’s family as well as Moshe’s family.  Last June, June  of 2010, Ann traveled to Ireland with Irit and Michal.  She enjoyed the countryside and most of all the music.  They were there for 9 days and nights, and went to hear session music each night except for one.  In fact, they drove 2 hours to get to a session in Doolin on the west coast, south of Galway, and stayed for the session, even though it meant driving back to the B&B in the pitch black, along the winding coastal road, on the wrong side of the road.  Ann said she would do anything to hear live traditional music in Ireland - or anywhere for that matter. 

Ann was a loyal friend.  She maintained her friendships with friends she met in high school and college.  This included:

•Fern in Baltimore

•Elaine in Connecticut

•Linda in Texas

Injuries

She had a few notable injuries:

•Broke her leg, skiing in college

•Fell off a horse that ended up landing on her and left a numb spot on her thigh for years

•Broke her elbow, climbing Masada

This shows you Ann’s adventurous spirit, and that life’s hurdles didn’t stop her.  When you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and get back on.

Ann was diagnosed with Parkinson’s when she was 50.  She retired from the NYC School System 4 yrs later and moved to Arizona.  Ann made some really terrific friends in Arizona, who appreciated her generosity and sense of humor.  She was a good neighbor and stayed connected with people, living independently in Phoenix, until her cancer diagnosis in July 2010. 

She loved and is loved by her family, children, their partners and grandchildren:

Moshe, Michal and Megan, Irit, Moti, Liel, Ayla and Liya.

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Personal reflections from her daughters and family:  Irit, Michal, Bobbie.

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David Harkins, a British Poet and Painter (b.1958; written 1981):

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

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El Malei Rachamim led by Cantor Uri Aqua

IRIT

Ironically enough, this year the novel, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, is included in the curriculum at the high school I teach at in Israel. I can't help wondering who Mom will meet in Heaven when she gets there. So I have decided to write a few things for Mom based on the title of this novel and part of its internal structure.

I have a feeling that the first person Mom will meet when she lands must be her mother, Bert Weinstein.  Mom lost her mother suddenly when I was in 6th grade. Grandma was my best friend until then, she was the one I confided in and the one who would always take my side when Mom and I didn't agree. Mom studied science in college and wanted to go into research, paradoxically, in order to discover the cure for cancer after her uncle had died of the disease.  Grandma always told Mom that there was no money in research and that she should do something more practical like teach. Obviously Mom was very compliant and listened to her mother and became a teacher. She taught science for many years enlightening many students many of whom I'm certain are grateful to her until today. I suppose that her influence on Michal and I was so great that although she always said "don't be teachers" both of us assumed the teaching profession. 

So what lesson can we learn from Mom meeting with my maternal grandmother?

Perhaps that you become what you are in life so that your life affects others and yet each of us is the only master of his or her fate. 

The second person I imagine that Mom will meet upon arriving in Heaven is her younger brother, Gil.  Gil was five years younger than Mom but passed away untimely, ten years ago. Gil was the funny caring young uncle who never ceased to spoil us. We looked forward to every family gathering to sit and hear about his exotic business trips to the Far East.  When Gil's son Benjamin was born I was already living in Israel and sadly never properly got to know my only first cousin on Mom's side of the family. Mom was devastated by Gil's tragically young passing and although we all still mourn Gil's death I celebrate the love of life he radiated when I was growing up. Mom's memories of her young brother must have been etched deeply in her mind and treasured throughout her whole life. I can imagine that Mom is reuniting with her brother, who will always remain young in our memory, after so many years.

The lesson I think can be learned by this meeting is about the bonds we create with our siblings while growing up.

These bonds are important for our present and future relationships. We can never know what will happen to any of us as our lives unfold and we leave home following our individual stars. The bonds we weave as children will flourish and strengthen us. I know that Michal and I disagree about many things, yet, our love is unconditional.

The third person Mom will probably meet is her own father, Murray Weinstein. My maternal grandfather- and the only grandpa I ever knew was of Russian decent. Although he was born in the U.S. his parents and siblings arrived on Ellis Island in 1903(?). Unlike many of the woman immigrants my great grandmother knew how to read and write. Living on the lower East Side, grandpa's mother made a living by bootlegging. Grandpa, then a boy, delivered the unlawful substance to the clients on his bicycle. This story is somewhat amusing when taking into account grandpa's integrity. The grandpa I knew was as straight as a ruler. He worked ceaselessly to support his family, never missed a day of work and never cut corners. Visiting Grandma and Grandpa on the weekends was our favorite treat. Going out to eat at the deli, helping mow the lawn and sunbathing in the back yard were just some of the things we looked forward to. There is no doubt that mom inherited Grandpa's qualities from his stubbornness to his non-stop drive to give his children and his grandchildren everything in his power. Mom worked hard all her life to ensure that Michal and I get the best education possible. She sacrificed her own leisure so that we would not lack in any respect. When times were hard, she sewed clothes so that we could participate in every extra curricula activity under the sun. She never ceased to think about how she could enrich our lives and help us in every sense.

What lesson can be drawn from this meeting between my mother and her father?

Perhaps it's that parents make decisions that their children cannot always comprehend or appreciate. They make sacrifices which have long term effects on their own lives and on the lives of their children.

And who might the fourth person be?

I would like to believe that it is her friend Bertha Rogers. When looking at the vast collection of photos of my kids in mom's house one will come across a photo of a beautiful woman with a turban around her head. Mom met Bertha while working in P.S. 143 where she taught science. Bertha was an art teacher and had four sons. She undoubtedly was one of mom's closest friends during the years of my childhood. Berth's tragic death came as a total shock to mom and mom mourned this innocent woman's murder for years to come. Mom kept in touch with Bertha's children for many years after.

The lesson we can learn from this meeting is friendship.

Mom kept in touch with friends from as way back as elementary school. Today, while we live in a world where the word "friend" is used for every virtual acquaintance on the net, mom's idea of friendship was much different. She never forgot a birthday, a holiday or any occasion. She knew what was going on in the lives of her friends and the support they gave her in the final months of her life proved that the connection was not severed despite the great physical distance.

The last person mom will meet in Heaven could very well be her cousin Selma. Selma, whose house in Mahopac near the lake was a favorite spot for family get-togethers. Semla's warm and lively personality, which was inherited by her three daughters, was always uplifting. Mom could always turn to Selma for advice on bring up moody teenage girls. Selma's sudden death came as a shock to us all. Ever since Selma untimely death, mom has kept in touch with Susie, Bobbie and Julie almost as if they we her own off spring.

The last and final lesson we can learn from this meeting is the importance of family.

Mom valued and cherished each and every family member from her immediate family to her most distant cousins and in-laws. She knew every new baby's name and birth weight, sent pictures and attended every family occasion in her power despite her health. She never ceased to support, encourage and comfort in happy times as well as in moments of sorrow. During her final months in this life her family, especially Michal and my father who knew no boundaries of love and support tried and succeeded in making her final days as comfortable as possible.

May my mother and all of these dearly departed be remembered and blessed with eternal peace.

MICHAL

When you think about my mom, the word trailblazer might not come to your mind, but when I called Elaine, one of her oldest friends,  the day my mom died,  the first thing she said was, “your mom was a trailblazer.”  At 21, she took off on a boat for 10 weeks to Israel without telling her parents.  Elaine said she used to do the craziest things like taking dares. 

She had an unrivaled sense of adventure

And she instilled this same in me.

•Gymnastics camp

•Horseback riding camp

•All sports camp

•2 bike trips: Cape cod & New York State

•A Semester abroad in Paris

When she visited me in Paris, she called in sick from a phone booth in a little Parisian Café.

And after that semester, she encouraged me to return to France for a year after college.

All that said, my mother wasn’t thrilled with my move to Chicago.

To New Yorkers. Chicago doesn’t really exist.

And then she took off again, like she did in 1961.  This time she needed a chauffeur to drive her across the country.  This was 1994, when she chose the beautiful southwest to retire.  Who could blame her?  She always liked to say we drove to Phoenix, but the truth was she drove two hours, and I drove the rest.  We passed through Little Rock, Memphis, Amarillo, Sante Fe, and into Arizona.

She settled in Phoenix because she loved the mountains and also because of the Heard Museum.  She fell in love with the Heard and volunteered there for 16 years until her diagnosis this summer.

Once she was in AZ she began to collect the most exquisite Native American and South Western art.  Her jewelry collection was her pride and joy.  Navaho rugs, mata Ortiz pottery, hopi and zuni katchina dolls, and she taught me to love it as well…and she taught me to recognize quality.  When she showed anyone her collection, she could recall the artist’s name, where she bought it and how much she paid.  In fact, there are many photos of the artists in her jewelry collection.

Whenever I complained that she lived so far away and that I had to travel to two ends of the county to visit my parents, I tried to remember that she was doing what she wanted, and for my mom that’s what mattered the most in life – to follow your heart.

I think she inherited this strong will from both her parents, but especially her mom, Bert, who always lied about her age because her husband Murray was a couple of years younger than her.  And in order to get married at that time, it would have been unacceptable to marry a younger man.

My mother did what she wanted with her life and I’ve learned that from her.

She may have worried when I traveled alone to Mexico, Guatelmala, Ecuador, then to Cuba, China.  When I want to travel, I make it happen – just like she did.

This summer I knew her Parkinson’s was getting worse, and I knew it was a now or never time to go to Ireland, one of the many places she wanted to travel.  I slowly convinced her that she would be able to handle it and that I would learn to drive on the wrong side of the road.  And then of course when Irit also agreed to come along, mom decided to overlook her physical limitations and take the trip.  In Ireland, the three of us listened to live Trad music every single night.  We traveled to see castles, the coast and ruins, and she even loved all the enormous Celtic crosses.  She walked around Galway in the rain and didn’t complain about her hair.  She lived life to the fullest.

My mom’s dear friends in Arizona, including Mary Therese and Michael who are here today, can tell you about how she persevered despite her Parkinson’s symptoms.  She drove (sorry to the residents of phoenix), she danced, she volunteered, she toured the area, and she collected her art until this awful disease claimed her.

Still, whenever anyone called her in the past few months she always said, “I’m fine and how are you?  She rallied each time Irit traveled with her children, and she never complained until the very end.

My mom died peacefully knowing that she was very loved.

Thank you to all of you for the phone calls, the cards, the prayers, the caring.  Each of you had a special place in her life. 

There are some people who came to Arizona to help my sister, my father and me in these final months and I’d like to thank them.  

Thank you to Bobbi who was like a third daughter to my mom.

Thank you to Vickie, Megan’s mom, who considered Ann a good friend and came out for a few weeks this fall.  By the way, they had only met once for about 4 days five years ago, but my mom accepted Vickie’s offer. 

To the friends and helpers in Arizona, Lynette, Rose, Dwayne, Mary Therese, Barbara.

To the incredible hospice workers, Sarah, Kelly and the other nurses who passed through the house in the final days providing constant care.

In the last week, Joan, coming in from LA.

I also want to thank Megan, my amazing partner, for making two trips to Arizona since the summer.  She came to rescue me in August when my mom starting needing more help, and again in the winter for a couple of weeks.  My mom loved you so much. 

I also want to thank Peggy, who flew in from Chicago last night, and Ann for having meals ready as I landed back in Chicago from my many trips this fall and winter and for never ceasing to offer help.

In my mom’s final moments, Mary Therese and Michael, Mary Jude, my friend from Chicago, and I sat with my mom and we talked, we laughed, we shared stories.  We loved her. 

Finally, I want to thank my father who dropped everything and spent about three months in Arizona cooking food, counting pills, walking her up the stairs, putting her to bed and caring for my mother.  We couldn’t have done this without you.  Thank you.  You have taught me a lot about having a generous heart.